Thank God for Moms

Last few days have been rough. It's taken a lot of restraint to not do any of the following:

• Scream at my youth group/people around me.
• Walk away from my youth group, never to speak to them again.
• Punch children in the face.
• Punch every Peruvian man in the face.
• Lock myself in my room for a week.

Now, you might wonder, "What on earth could provoke such a response from mild-mannered, sweet Amanda?" (Okay, maybe not the last two things, but you're still probably curious). Well, it's not just one or two things, but quite a few things built up. Luckily for my own sanity, I am somewhat able to identify some of the reasons why.

I have come to realize that when I attend a in-service training from Peace Corps, it does not come without it's downfalls. At trainings I am spending time with my fellow 17ers who share a common goal and sense of purpose in our work,  and we are running on a very structured, punctual schedule and I am pumped full of ideas, motivation, and new goals to achieve, and it's like I am once again reminded of the endless possibilities in the world and the power one person can have in bringing change.

And then I get back to site. 

Then I am quickly reminded that Peace Corps isn't like that. Peru doesn't work that way. There is no 8-5 day with everyone plugging away being productive. People don't care as much about the things you're working on as you do. People think it's important, but that's why YOU'RE there, so YOU can do it. People want me to teach them English. Wait, scratch that, they want to learn English through osmosis of me being there (but for them to be there would be too much to ask. Attend class? Why?), because Lord knows actually studying and practicing is too much to ask. This usually results in a bit of depression, and a lot of, "What's the point?"

We can have all the training sessions we want about the new and amazing things we can achieve in our sites with our counterparts and in our communities, and get all the happy fuzzy feelings of the possibility of accomplishment, but the reality is this is an uphill battle, and sometimes as a volunteer you are the only one pushing the cart filled with changes needed to make those dreams come true.

In other words-- back to square one.

And aside from all that, I just had a situation with a youth group that is too long to explain, but the jist of it is they organized an activity while I was gone that I never would've endorsed because of the obvious sexist bull-crap involved that is so ingrained in them, and then when the activity flopped I became the scape goat. Next time I see them, they're getting a gender charla and a "take-responsibility-for-your-actions" charla-- if we ever speak again.

Anyways...

The reason for this post:

Obviously, I've been feeling down (I know, so soon after my last "hopeful" blog post).

Times like these, receiving things from home is a godsend.

Today I received a package from my Mom that was filled with so many goodies I could feel the black, cold place where my heart once was slightly warm up again.

What you are seeing is 2 kids magazines (English, of course), JIF Peanut Butter/Chocolate packs, mini Cadbury Eggs, Wherthers, Crystal Light packets, and a dress.

It fits!

It's the small things. Thank you, Mom! Your packages mean more to me than you know. Thanks for everyone back home who is so supportive, and has been sending me care-packages, letters, postcards, etc. It means SO much to me. I have a spot on my wall where I put everything I get in the mail (Seriously! Every postcard/picture/drawing--longer letters get put in an envelope that I'm saving) and I'm sure I will have to start moving to another wall soon.




PS-- Obviously take what I'm saying with a grain of salt. Yes, this is truly how I feel right now, and yes, this is a real reaction I have to events. Somedays, I just want to throw my hands up and say, "I quit!" But, next thing you know, I'll be riding unicorns on rainbows holding hands with all the children of my town and singing, "We Are the World." As my friend Sue said, "I do not like this roller coaster. This roller coaster is the worst roller coaster ever, I want off!"