Sh*t My Host Dad Says; The Sequel.

 

I’ve almost been living in site for a year now, and it seems like it’s time for another round of “Sh*t my Host Dad Says.”

I really feel my relationship with my host family has strengthened in the last year. I’ve bonded with my host parents through various events, and I could not feel more blessed in my living situation here in Peru. Now that my host siblings aren’t around as much anymore I get a lot more one-on-one time with my host parents, and more time to sit and talk with my host dad.

My host dad and I have talked about just about everything under the sun. I appreciate the time we’ve spent together discussing and arguing over all the big and little things in this life. Aside from some cultural differences and beliefs, I’ve come to find we agree on many important topics, such as integrity, education, family, and friendship. I really respect my host dad for breaking the typical Peruano stereotype in many ways, and treating me as part of the family.

He also says and does a lot of funny shit.

So without further ado, some funny and ridiculous crap my host dad has said over the months.

International Women’s Day

HD: Women’s day…when will there be a MEN’S day?

Me: Every other day of the year.

On Safety

HD: With all of these earthquakes, there is no telling when the ceiling can fall down on your head. Every single person needs a helmet! They need a helmet to grab at any instant, am I right?

Me: Sure, I guess.

HD: No, listen to me, when an earthquake strikes, and it can strike at any minute, the walls can crumble down on you, am I right? What if you’re in bed? You need a helmet at the bedside to put on. So, get yourself a helmet.

Me: I do have a helmet [bike helmet].

HD: Then where is it?

Me: Where’s yours?

[Note: No major earthquakes have had an epicenter near my area in recent years. This was in light of an earthquake in Chile.]

Lock the door and throw away the key

(We have this conversation at least once a week.)

HD: Amanda, I’m leaving the house.

Me: Okay.

HD: I’m locking the door, don’t let anyone in, okay?

Me: Okay.

HD: Don’t let a soul inside the house. I’m locking the door, keep it locked, don’t let anyone inside.

Me: Okay.

HD: Nobody.

Me: Nobody.

HD: Nobody at all.

Me: Nobody at all.

HD: Not anyone.

Me: I know, not anyone.

HD: Nobody.

Me: Nobody, not a soul, not a single person is entering our house, okay I get it.

HD: Okay, good.

Proper Training

Host dad: You're training for a 21k race?! [Half Marathon]
Me: Yeah, for July 1st
HD: Well, you're really going to have to take care of yourself during the next 2 months. No drinking or smoking!
Me: You know I don't smoke [and he's NEVER seen me drink]!
HD: You also need to stretch really well. We need to hook your arms and legs up to two motos and have them drive in opposite directions.
Me: Um, I don't think that's what I need to do.
HD: Amanda, I was a PE Teacher. I know about these sorts of things.

When I was your age…

Host Dad: You’re getting lazy, you haven’t been running lately, have you?

Me: Yes I have! I just didn’t run yesterday.

HD: Well, I didn’t see you. What has your farthest run been so far?

Me: Almost to Tupac Amaru and back [total of 12 miles].

HD: That’s nothing. I used to run all the way to the beach and back in my youth [total of 22 miles].

Me: I don’t believe you.

HD: I did! I ran all over the countryside all the time.

Me: Yeah, right.

HD: How old are you?

Me: 26.

HD: Yeah? Well when I was 26 you weren’t even born.

(My host dad knocking fruit out of a tree)
HD: Grab them! Get em! Pick them up!

HD: Gather them! Gather them!
Me: Ahhh! They're going to hit me in the head!

Strangers with Candy

(At breakfast one morning concerning visiting my friend Zack’s site)

Host dad: Okay, when you are visiting Zack, if someone- are you listening to me?- if someone offers you candy, put it in your pocket.
Me: Okay...
HD: Listen to me! Put it in your pocket, and wait for them to leave, then throw it away. DO NOT EAT IT!
Me: Um, yeah, of course. I don't eat candy from strangers.
HD: DO NOT EAT THE CANDY if you don't know the person!
Me: YEAH, I KNOW! I DON'T EAT CANDY FROM STRANGERS!
HD: Okay, good.

Nyquil

(I had a cold and had taken some Nyquil to help me sleep. I ended up sleeping 12 hours and into mid morning).

HD: [knocking at my door] Amanda? Amanda!!

Me: What?

HD: Amanda!? Amanda?!

Me: What?! What?!

HD: AMANDA! AMANDA!!!
Me: WHAT?! WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?!
HD: I thought you were DEAD! I thought something HAPPENED TO YOU! Don't be mad at me!

(After I got up and explained to him I had taken medicine to help me sleep he started lecturing me.)

HD: The next time you decide to take pills that help you sleep, you tell me! You usually wake up so early and today you didn't and I didn't know what happened! So tell me if you're taking medicine. And let me borrow some.

Buck up!

Host dad: What’s wrong with you? What do you have?

Me: I don’t know. I don’t feel good, my stomach and body hurt.

HD: Do you have a fever?

Me: I don’t think so…

HD: Well, for the love of God, get a thermometer and find out! What’s the point of just thinking about it, I don’t want to hear,  “I don’t think so.” Get a thermometer and get done with it!

On Family

(It is really uncommon for a woman my age to be single and childless in most of Peru. My host parents are some of the only Peruvian’s I’ve met who are pro-waiting to get married and have kids. That being said, it’s still common to talk about it.)

Host Dad: You want to have kids someday, right?

Me: Yeah, I think so.

HD: How many? Three, right? You want three.

Me: Eh, no more than three that’s for sure.

HD: But more than one, right?

Me: Yes, more than one.

HD: Well, you have to have three. Because if you have just one and something happens to you and your husband, that kid is all alone in the world. Or if the kid dies, then you have no children. If you have only two and one child dies, then you come back to the same problem. That’s why you need three, so that there is always someone to be around in case someone dies.

(This conversation continued on with talk of miscarriages and having children).

HD: You shouldn’t have any problems having kids though, you’re athletic, I’m sure your ovaries are strong.

Say my name, say my name…

(After having lived with my host family for 3 months)

HD: Hey, what’s my name?

Me: Martin…

HD: [big grin] That’s right!

I thought this was funny, because to me this meant he thought I didn’t know his name after I’d been living there for 3 months. Then, on Justin’s recent visit my host dad asked again…

HD: Hey, does your boyfriend know my name?

Me: [in English] Justin, he wants to know if you know his name.

Justin: Oh crap, you just told me this earlier..uh….uh….

Me: [whispering] Martin.

Justin: Oh yeah! Martin!

Host Mom: No it’s not.

Me: What?!

HM: His name is Victor. Victor Manuel.

Me: But…why does everyone call him Martin?

HM: His mom started calling him Martin when he was a baby, and it just stuck. But it’s not his name.

The whole time my host dad just sat there with a big grin on his face and his laughing eyes. With all the times we’ve joked, I’ve never heard my host dad laugh out-loud before, but I think that was the closest thing to it. 

Justin (with the hat my host dad gave him), me, and my host parents.

My host dad taking a more "slimming" picture after seeing the other photos and feeling he looked fat.